i need to talk to someone….so im turning to tumbler.

hey guys, its been a WHILE since ive been posting… i geared my blog twards thinspo/fitspo….. i posted workout vids and ex… but i cant be a liar either, im well on a bulemic with servere depression but thats besides the point. Towards my slowing down on posting i got my first ever therapist and went leaps and boundssss to recovering from my depression…we never got around to my eating dissorder or obsession with working oaut. Anyway i moved into my first ever place!!!  And made it a deal to buy food and try to eat well bc if i fall off the wagon alone.. no one will be here to catch me when i fall and that terrified me…. i also have been a cutter since i was in 6th grade over 14 years now… ive overall recovered from that aswell but back wheni did it, i lived a life of domestic obuse and living in fear so it helped at the time. Now that im not around those things and my family is good and safe and succeeding in life i tried to do the same….. living along i got back to my bulemia eventually…. and really started to loose more weight. Recently my bf got me a personal trainer!!! bc i lost sooo much weight he thought i should have one to take me over the hill to my personal finish line!!! all abs and ex…. and to have a professional help me with new meal plans and ex„„, you would think thats how it would work but it didnt….ive been seeing the trainer for about 2 weeks now and th emore i workout the less i eat…and more i slightly binge. i feel sick with myself lik ei should have lost 92384083920483092483290 pounds int he first week…. what also has not helped (sorry im jumping around) is that my father who abused my whole family for years sent a suicide letter to my youngest sister, i was distrought bc it was me who first took the step to never speaking to him again after we all moved across the country…and told my siblings that they done have to have any relationship with him if they dont want to and eventually only my youngest sister communicated with him…so im assuming since its holiday season he was feeling more and more alone…..so he did that and it made me so angry that he would put that on all of us…he didnt kill himself but it hurt alot bc thats not what i intended…i just wanted him to feel the pain he made me feel. Obviously no one knows how much this is actually tearing me apart….i feel so lost with my body…..my dad…living in this new place with a lease…bc i feel stuck having to work to pay my bills when i wanted to finish school instead…. and my b/f has an issue with showing TO much emotion towards our future…hes been open with his parentsabout wanting to marry me and we are going to get engaged soon but he does not like to talk about it and that puts me down…. PLUS LOL my mommm is in her midlife crisis and since she spend the first half of her life abused and alone…shes hotter than ever now with a new attitude…awesome freinds and rich boyfreind…so all she does is go out and travel around…. i literally have no mother anymore…shes always on her cell like a teen…..ignoring everyone around her… i have to organize family events and make sure everyone wkill be home at the same time… im so exausted of being everyones angel. I snapped the other night and just cut the hellll out of my chest with cutco knives……the worst part is it didnt make me feel better like cutting used to…i spent the whole night crying…..didnt eat anything after my earlier session with my trainer…and he warned me i had to have a bigg dinner bc the workout was so intense.. mind you i am literally ALLLLL solid muscle at this point…but i look in the mirror and see nothing but fat and disappointment. I wokeup on no sleep really and being dead hungry and faint…went to work and downeddddd a salad…..i just went to the store abd baight cans and cans of fruit…and veggies so i can make sure its all i eat to loose the most weight….bc i dnt want to have wasted my b/fs money (the trainer was 400$) i want to loose the weight and make it worth it…..i feel so imbarrased not being smaller right now. SOOOO all in all… i have what seems like no parents here for me….. my family has no idea how much im struggling wanting to be fit…not be depressed…talk to my suicidal dad…. finish school and feel like my b/f is excited about our future together. theres much more but this is all i can manage to type right now.  

WORKED OUTTT <3

feels so good… my roomie came in the room and was kinda watching me for a sec whitch annoyed the hell outta me bc i HATE ppl watching me workout bc i dnt want ppl to judge me… :-/ so i guess i gotta just work when shes gone and at work O.O 

MY FIRST DAY OF BEING FIT AGAIN

for breakfast i had peach oatmeal with flax seeds and chopped up fresh peachessss with some water….and for an afternoon snack i had 6 ritz crackers with some slices of cheddar cheese (thin slices)…im not sure if i can do lunch :-/ i still feel ful bc im not used to eating breakfast. Im going to workout right now and then see if im hungry before work O.O 

GUESS WHAT GUYSS

so… i havnt been on here in a good month or 2 bc i was going through a move and leaving familyyy but i have a new place with a roomie, were both always working and my hubbs is pretty much paying bills to give me more time for school even though he doesnt live WITH me bc we are waiting untill were married. BUT now i have been able to shop for healthier food that NO ONE eats BUT me… i have time to workout and not be watched… its amazing so im pretty much getting started on seeing what i can do.. so wish me luck guys….

I NEED YOUR HELP GUYS

AS U SEE IN PICS IVE BEEN LOOSING CONSISTANTLY AND I GUESS I GOT COMFY AND MY JOB GAVE ME A NEW PROMOTION ALONG WITH 2480983243290483204823094 HOURS….SO IVE BEEN WORKING 8HRS 5DAYS A WEEK AND ON MY OFF DAYS IM RUNNING ERRANDS FOR DAM. I HAVE HAD NOO TIME IN THE PAST 3 OR SO WEEKS TO WORKOUT AND I MEAN I WAS DOING SOOOOO GOOD I WAS REALLY STARTING TO TONNE HOW IVE DREAMED OF…AND I FEEL LIKE ITS GONE AND IVE BEEN SO UPSET. AND EATING PIZZA DURING WORK AND TONS OF SODA FOR ENERGY AND IM GGAINING POUNDS BACK. writing this alone makes me wanna stfu and get back on the sattle but im just worried i dnt wanna fall down again ya know….any tips to keep myself NOT worried? sand to keep pushing? 

sooooo i just ate…

cream of celery soup…and some crackers for taste… ughhhhh i know i wnt be able to workout bc im really tired and have a stage set at work from 7:30 to 3:30 am INSANE lol but corperate flying in from all around so we gotta put as much time in since they wnt be with us to do it long… sooo im scared to workout today bc i will be tired at night so i ate super healthy so i wnt mess myself up :-/ still loosing so thats nicee :-) 

workouts, you may find helpful + diet generator

ourrecklessyouths:

Pop Pilates:

New Body Makeover
HIIT Body Weight Workout
Summer Slim Down pt1
Summer Slim Down pt2
Body Slimming

Tae Bo (I know it may seem kind of silly, but it’s effective):

Amped Fat Burn pt1
Amped Fat Burn pt2
Amped Fat Burn pt3
Amped Fat Burn pt4
Amped Fat Burn pt5

Yogis Anonymous:

Power Yoga

Jillian Micheals:

Yoga Meltdown
Six Week Six Pack level One
Six Week Six Pack level Two
Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism

Diet:
automatic diet generator

(via makingmyselfbetterforme-deactiv)

woooowww had one of my 1st real breakfasts in a long time

made a cup of healthy strawberry oatmeal w/flax seeds and instead of adding sugar i opened some peaches… not soggy can ones but fresshhhh thigh cuts of it and poured a little of the natural peach juice into the oatmeal then added some chunks…. it was the warmesttt nicest meal ive had in a long time lol i feel so good inside after that… drank a cup of water and now im tempted to workout but im gonna let this one sit for a little.. i like how it made me feel inside <3